Cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.
So I went out today with Ranze to look for a CD with the song The Gift by Jim Brickman. First stop was Robinson's. Unfortunately, the Odyssey that used to be there was replaced by another shop. Since it was raining quite hard, we decided to stay for awhile. During that "short" stay, I managed to buy some stuff from Bench and a Candy mag from the department store. We also ate Shawarma at the food court. I was quite confident about my money since I brought 1000 with me (500 from my savings and 500 from my mom). After that, we went to Novo to  buy stuff. What exactly did I buy?

• Stationeries
• Correction fluid
• Four highlighters (green, blue, violet, pink)
• A lot of notebooks

It cost me 280.
But since our real goal was to buy a CD, we decided that the only place where we're sure to buy one is SM Calamba. So off we go.
I realized that it's really dangerous to bring more than enough money (especially when you're heading for some place like SM).
As I said, SM Calamba is one of those few places where we're sure to be able to buy a CD. Obviously, we did buy a CD. Not just one, but two. But hey, it's not that expensive! The CD with The Gift costs only 50. We also found another CD that was worth 35. Bingo.
After that, I decided to visit Booksale. Being a bookworm, it's hard for me to resist such places. Kaching! There goes my 150.
After that, we headed for National Bookstore since I wanted to know how much money I needed in order to buy - err - someone's gift. But before we even reached the store, alas! I found myself lurking at another store, fascinated by their headsets. I was disappointed though because they were beyond my budget. So the next thing I did was head for another store. I bought a headset. It's pink. I like it. Uh, the guilt is overcoming me again.
After National Bookstore, I was literally begging Ranze to leave since I was afraid that I'd just spend more and more until my money runs out.
But you know, all of those things aren't really connected with my first sentence. I just wanted to share it with you. Lalala.
So anyway, I'm being nostalgic. Spending the day with him was - I don't know - depressing? Not that he's not fun to be with, it's just that each time I spend a day with him I remember how we were, how we used to be. Not only that, he's changed. He doesn't talk as much as he used to. And often times when he talks, he's got bitterness written all over his words.
It's hard for me to accept that the end of our relationship marked the end of who he used to be. I miss who he was. I miss how we used to be?
But don't get me wrong. I am very very happy with my life. I am happy with my friends. I am happy with what's going on. I am happy with Jacob.
But still, I guess less than nine months is not enough to forget.
I used to think that I don't care anymore, that I've completely move on, but each time something like this happens, it all comes back to me. I don't know if I should stay away from him. Honestly, I don't want to. Not because I want to continue what we've had before, but because I don't our friendship to be ruined.
Look at this quote:

If two past lovers can remain friends, its either they are still in love, or never were. 

If this quote is applicable to us, well, it's definitely not the latter.
Right now I'm confused. I don't know if I still love him. I don't know if I miss him or the feeling, or both. I don't know if this is called cheating. I don't know if -.
I don't understand. 
I don't know if we just need more time. I don't know if in the end it's still gonna be him. I don't know.
Is he simply the best I ever had? I don't know.
I guess I can just sleep this off.

I still do?
Me leaning on your shoulder on the way home. Deja vu.
Ah, tears. 

Labels: diary, personal