• They're seeping through my cracks. I wonder how long it will take before I explode.
• For a moment, it seemed to fade a little. But it went back, eventually. I guess I was just tired. Or sad. Or confused. I won't let it fade away. I made a choice more than two years ago. I'll make the choice again if I have to.
• I never seem to know what I really want. Okay, so maybe I know what I want but I'm wanting too much and I can't decide which one I want more. I do know what I need.
• I'm crazy enough to want to keep on going even after everything but sane enough to stop myself from going any further.
• I forgive too much. Maybe this is a good thing for most people but for me, it's not. My brain keeps on forgetting to remind me of what happened, what made me have to stop. But even if it remembers to, I don't think I really care. After all, everyone makes mistakes.
• I am an idiot.
• I am really lucky to have my friends around. We're closer than ever thanks to every obstacle that has been placed in our path. There are still some obstacles, but we're stronger now.
• There are so many questions in my mind that I need answers to. But no one's going to answer them. Not now, probably not ever.
• I care too much.
• As much as possible, I am never going to ride the LRT alone. Sexual offenders are annoying as fuck. Thank goodness I was with someone who noticed and kept me safe somehow afterwards.
• After everything, if I could go back to that day, I would change the choices I made. I could live up to this day knowing everything that could've happened because of that choice, but you would never know. That would be better. Because I can always pretend.
• Pretending is becoming very tiring. It's exhausting. I can laugh all day but at night, all I really do is sigh at how I have to keep on pretending to be happy.
• I like to think that parallel universes exist. I like to think that in one of those universes, it wouldn't have to be like this. We wouldn't have to hurt this much. 
• It hurts every time it happens. It makes me sad. It makes me want to just rush into it and dive head first. But not again. No, not again.
• I regret everything I didn't say. 
• I regret everything I didn't do.
• I wish I could just forget. But my mind doesn't work that way. It only represses negative things. And although there were a lot of those, I think there were more positive things that my mind just won't let go of.
• I am really so stupid for even writing this post, for thinking most of these thoughts.
• I suck at saving relationships. I can keep them going, but once it's gone, I can't do anything to save them. Or maybe I just don't want to because I'm always afraid of rejection.
• I wish we could still talk, but what good would that ever do?
• I am really lucky, truly lucky. I have the person I need. Maybe not the person I deserve, because I like to believe that I deserve less. But he keeps me sane. He keeps me happy. He keeps me wanting to live.
• But the voice in my head is back. Please keep me from anything fatal.
• I don't want to have regrets again.

Labels: diary, lists, personal, thoughts