So I have become one of those people who hate socializing with other people. Recently I left all my facebook groups, except for 3. I only kept the 3 because they might spread valuable information through those 3 groups. But if I had it my way, I'd just tell them to text me what I need to know and I'll just leave those groups, too. But no, that's not the way things work. I'm also planning on deactivating my Tumblr account. But somehow I find it hard to do because I have so many personal posts and photos there and it would make me even more depressed to just throw them away. So right, I am depressed. Why? Because people forget that I have feelings. It's hard being a strong person. Why? Because people think you can handle anything. People think that you're strong enough to go through what they're putting you through. But you know what? It's hard. I get tired. I hate having to go through so much that most people my age don't even deal with. I don't understand why they get to have an easier life. Their problems are all about boyfriends, grades, etc. I know they are somewhat important, too. But how does that compare to my thought of suicide everyday? I know to some I'll be automatically classified as an emo, but no. I don't wear long bangs that cover half of my face. I don't cut my wrist (anymore.) I don't put heavy black eyeliner. I am not one of those creeps. They act like that for the sake of it, but I didn't choose to be like this. I didn't choose this life. I didn't even choose to live. Am I the only one who feels like it's unfair to throw us into this world and force us to live with it without even making the choice of wanting to live? What about those babies who die? How come they get to die so early? Surely, they don't feel the things I do now. Sorry if this post seems very selfish.
I hate people. I hate all those people who claim I'm their friend when all they do is make my life miserable. I hate how people criticize me about being ugly and fat. I'm very thankful for the people who tell me otherwise. Sometimes I just think that those people who try to bring out my flaws are just insecure but sometimes I think that that's really not the case and maybe I'm just really a worthless person.
Does God really exist? Because I can't feel Him in my life. I don't feel Him anywhere. Call me an atheist, I don't care. The way I see life has changed. And I don't think it will ever be the same again.
Labels: diary, personal, summer12, thoughts