Changed the way my blog looks again. Idk why I made it so dark in the first place. It creeps me out. Anyway, I'm back to normal. Hello!

Labels: diary, summer12

I have become afraid of that word. I was browsing tumblr blogs when I came across a blog if an anorexic. There were all sorts of posts like what it feels like and what it looks like and god, it was horrible. I was looking at her self-photos and she was just so thin. Her BMI was 14.0. The lowest I had was a 16.9 (which is abnormal because it's supposed to be 18+), thankfully, my BMI has now become higher (it's now 20.4, and I hate it. I feel like I've become a very fat person already.) Okay, so I'm not that fat. I gained 4kg and it's not that much but I feel like crying every time I try to wear something that doesn't fit me anymore. I'm not anorexic. I might have been before but I'm definitely not anorexic now. Somehow, I love my body. Though I would like it if I got my previous BMI back. It's not that low, right? I love my body in a sense that I know I'm healthy. I may not be as thin as those VS models but I'm definitely still in shape. I'd still love to lose weight, though. Anyway, I consider myself a lucky person because I now eat regularly and I didn't end up looking like a skeleton. difhwihvoiwrv whut

Labels: diary, personal, summer12, thoughts

Labels: diary, summer12, thoughts

Bakit ba kailangan lagi isisi sa ibang tao? :(

Labels: personal, summer12, thoughts

Minsan kailangan mo lang kausapin yung ibang taong may mabigat ding pinagdadaanan. Kasi sila lang naman talaga ang makakaintindi at makakatulong sayo. Kayo lang naman magkakaunawaan.

Labels: personal, summer12, thoughts

Some people never fail to surprise me. Often times, the people whom you rarely talk to are the ones who can help you most. There have been times when I really feel the need to talk to someone but there's really no one to talk to. Then I see this one acquaintance who's online and I think, why not? So I go ahead and give it a shot. I tell this person about my problems and it turns out he's there to listen and give meaningful advice. So I have this conclusion:
A lot of people are willing to help, some of them you don't even think of. But often times, you just have to find those right people and approach them. You never know, they might be the ones who can really help.
I feel better. Not much, but still, better. <3

Labels: diary, personal, summer12, thoughts

I feel worthless.
And that's just how I feel. Do you know what it's like to be so worried about a person? That feeling you get in the middle of the night when you're just so scared and you desperately need someone? That feeling when you feel like you're all alone in the world and no one's there to help you? And that person doesn't even make any effort to text you or let you know that he's okay? And when you call him it's like he's not even paying attention to you? And when you send him load he just texts you :*? And that's that?
I feel like I'm not worth anything in this world. It's like everyone is just taking me for granted. Last night my mom was joking about me finally having feelings. WELL OF COURSE I HAVE FEELINGS, WHO DOESN'T? And I'm starting to feel like I fell for the wrong person again. Because that's just not the way you treat the person you love, right? Or maybe he's given up on me already? Maybe it's just too hard to get along with me that he just doesn't try anymore. It's like he doesn't even care. And it just feels so bad because he's not like that. He's not supposed to be like that, but he's like that now and I don't know what to do. I can't even help myself. :(
What's happening? Has the world decided to pick on me? Because I don't like it at all. Maybe I've been a terrible person. Maybe I'm just so unlovable that no one bothers to love me anymore. I'm just a mistake. Maybe my mom should've just had an abortion. I just don't understand this life anymore. I mean, what are you supposed to do when everyone's against you? I don't even know who to run to anymore.
What did I do wrong? Have I become so selfish already? Do I deserve this? There's no one else. It's just me and this pathetic blog. I can't even talk to anyone anymore. That's why I'm talking to this blog. OH LOOK I HAVE A BLOG AS A FRIEND, AND IT'S MY ONLY FRIEND. Wow. Just wow. :'(

Labels: diary, personal, summer12, thoughts

Change is good, right? Maybe not always.
Anyway, I tweaked my blog a bit. Changed the color, made it darker. That's probably what my life is, dark. Changed the fonts, too. I don't really feel like having a cute blog right now. Everything about me is changing right now. :( I just hope it's for the better.

Labels: diary, personal, summer12

So I have become one of those people who hate socializing with other people. Recently I left all my facebook groups, except for 3. I only kept the 3 because they might spread valuable information through those 3 groups. But if I had it my way, I'd just tell them to text me what I need to know and I'll just leave those groups, too. But no, that's not the way things work. I'm also planning on deactivating my Tumblr account. But somehow I find it hard to do because I have so many personal posts and photos there and it would make me even more depressed to just throw them away. So right, I am depressed. Why? Because people forget that I have feelings. It's hard being a strong person. Why? Because people think you can handle anything. People think that you're strong enough to go through what they're putting you through. But you know what? It's hard. I get tired. I hate having to go through so much that most people my age don't even deal with. I don't understand why they get to have an easier life. Their problems are all about boyfriends, grades, etc. I know they are somewhat important, too. But how does that compare to my thought of suicide everyday? I know to some I'll be automatically classified as an emo, but no. I don't wear long bangs that cover half of my face. I don't cut my wrist (anymore.) I don't put heavy black eyeliner. I am not one of those creeps. They act like that for the sake of it, but I didn't choose to be like this. I didn't choose this life. I didn't even choose to live. Am I the only one who feels like it's unfair to throw us into this world and force us to live with it without even making the choice of wanting to live? What about those babies who die? How come they get to die so early? Surely, they don't feel the things I do now. Sorry if this post seems very selfish.
I hate people. I hate all those people who claim I'm their friend when all they do is make my life miserable. I hate how people criticize me about being ugly and fat. I'm very thankful for the people who tell me otherwise. Sometimes I just think that those people who try to bring out my flaws are just insecure but sometimes I think that that's really not the case and maybe I'm just really a worthless person.
Does God really exist? Because I can't feel Him in my life. I don't feel Him anywhere. Call me an atheist, I don't care. The way I see life has changed. And I don't think it will ever be the same again.

Labels: diary, personal, summer12, thoughts

Once again, tumblr has annoyed me with its stupid "Daily Post Limit" rule. :/ I am not allowed to post for dunno how many hours. Ohhhhh well. I'm gonna try using the script I installed and see if I can still post using it. Anyway, I'm having a haircut later. Goodbye, long hair. Hello, summer haircut! :D

Labels: me, summer12, thoughts

I haven't been able to update for a looooong time since our computer sort of had a breakdown and it wouldn't run so I had to rent a computer for the last few days. But unfortunately, blogger didn't wanna load on it. :(
Anyway, I'm back! :) It's summer and I can blog all I want. :D
I really don't know if I should study for APE or what. It's this test or tests that you have to take in order to know if you can skip some of your subjects and move to the next subject in line. (Right, like I'll pass any of them.)
Oh, and I'm back in elbi! :) Just came home last night, and I found out that my uncle and aunt decided to adopt a baby girl! I haven't seen her yet but I'd be delighted to. Anyway, I'm going back to Manila on tuesday for personal reasons. But I'll be coming back the next day.
I'm really excited about college. And I'm kinda nervous at the same time, which I think is weird. Is that weird? But I like to think it's normal. :D I'm excited about the no uniform thing, how I'm free to color my hair and all that. I'm also excited about meeting my blockmates. (I already searched some on facebook, I didn't add them, though :D) But I'm nervous about how I can't be lazy anymore. I can't just sleep around or forget to do my schoolwork because the next four years of my life is what's gonna determine my future. It's pretty scary when I think of the responsibility. My friend said, "Sa UP Manila mo pa balak magbulakbol! San ka pupulutin nyan?" Oh, well. :)
And finally, I'M OFFICIALLY A MANILA SCIENCE HIGH SCHOOL ALUMNA! :) I graduated last April 3. At first I thought I wasn't gonna cry but then everyone started crying and hugginh each other and they were playing God Gave Me You so I cried, too. But it felt right. I mean, I suddenly realized that I was surrounded by the people who've been there for me for everything and to think that I may not be seeing them for a long time was quite unbearable. But I really love the fact that most of my classmates are gonna study in Manila so we still get the chance to see each other. I like to think that someday we'll all meet again. Someday...
Anyway, here's a picture from graduation:
This was before the graduation started so we were still pretty happy and naive to the fact that we would be bawling our eyes out in the next few hours. Hihi :>
I don't know if I should talk about the graduation ball because there's really not much to talk about. It was pretty boring, actually. Here are some pictures, though:
There you go. Not much to see, either. :) I guess the best part about the grad ball was that we were still given a chance to be complete as a batch. (Many were absent, though :|) Oh, and I got to hang out with my friends. :D HAHAHA
So, should I end this here?
Lastly, tipid tips I learned:

• You can get your nails done by yourself ----- with little to lots of patience, depending on how good you are. :) I was pretty excited to have a manicure since it's not against the rules anymore. My cousin gave me a set of nail polish and nail art last Christmas, and voila! I was able to do my own nails. So there, you've got a picture. The quality's low, though. Sorry. (Yeah, as if anyone's reading this. lalala)
• You don't need to spend a thousand bucks for hair color ------- I got mine for free! Okay, no, not really free. It's only free because my mom bought it. HAHA. But I wanna let you know that it cost my mom only 25 pesos! Yup. :) It's not real hair color, though. It's just henna and it'll probably wash off in two weeks. Let's do the math: If a hair color you get in the salon lasts for, um, 6 months. Then that's 24 weeks all in all. But since the henna lasts for 2 weeks, then you'll only spend 25 every other week. So 25 x 12 = 300! See, :) Much much cheaper. But don't do this if you think you're gonna mess up or if you're too lazy to do it yourself. HAHA.
• There are a lot of really cheap yet good quality clothes out there -------- if you know where to look. Now I'm not talking about a designer dress look-a-like that you can get in Forever 21 for only 2000. NO. I'm actually talking about a very cute pink sweater I bought at a relief shop last Tuesday. It only cost me 15 pesos! :) I checked it and it has zero stains, holes, etc. I know a lot are grossed out by shopping at places like that. But hey, if it's just as good as a brand new one, why not? Just wash it before you use it.

Labels: college life, diary, school, summer12