Labels: diary, personal

Labels: personal, songs

I found this while scrolling through my Tumblr dashboard:

Do me a favor okay?
Stop trying to go back to who you were before. Before you were raped, before you got sick before an eating disorder took over your life. stop trying to be who you were five, ten, twenty years ago. Before the mental illness took over, before he died, back before your parents split or you lost your best friend.
You are NOT the same person as before. You never will be again. Give up the idolization of “before” and be who you are now. Be the you AFTER.

(source) 

Labels: personal, thoughts

Labels: diary, personal

I watched this movie yesterday with Jacob. I knew I was gonna cry because I cried over the book but I didn't expect to be on the verge of crying just 15 minutes after the movie started. I was probably still crying 15 minutes after the movie ended, too. I like how the movie stayed true to the book. Well, maybe not really about the part where Augustus Waters died. Augustus has died twice already in my lifetime -- first, in the book and second, in the movie. I'd love to watch the movie again sometime but I'm not really sure I wanna see Augustus die again. And again. I also like how the movie had all the #hugot quotes, which I have memorized by heart. I like how the portrayal was so natural. I didn't have any moments where I felt like there was something wrong or that they didn't quite fit the role. Number of movies which I felt gave justice to the book: Two -- "The Fault In Our Stars" and "The Perks of Being A Wallflower". The cast did an amazing job. I still hate how Augustus had to die. And the book is still better.

Labels: diary, personal, tfios, thoughts

Labels: personal, thoughts

1. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
- Never trying.

2. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
- How everything has to have a label.

3. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she/he is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
- I'd ask them if they knew my friend personally. Because if they don't, then they shouldn't judge. And even if they do know him/her personally, it isn't right to talk about people behind their backs.

4. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
-  Attend all my favorite bands' concerts. Money, or lack of it, rather.

5. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

Labels: personal, survey, thoughts

Who’s the last person you talked to about sex? 

Labels: personal, survey

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

- Honestly? No.

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

- Yeah, why not?

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

- Haha um that was a long time ago, I think.

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

- Yeah.

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

- Mad? No. Well at least not anymore, I think.

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

- Yes.

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

- A UP Shirt and white shorts.

8. How often do you listen to music?

- 90% of the day every day

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

- Jeans

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2015?

- I think it already has.

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

- It depends.

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘B’?

- Um, no.

13. What about ‘S’?

- Nope.

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

- The only thing I can drive is people crazy.

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

- Haha no.

16. Are you going out of town soon?

- Hmm, yes.

17. When was the last time you cried?

- This morning.

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

- Yeah.

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

- No.

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

- There used to be.

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

- It's hot.

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

- Yeah, I guess.

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

- No.

24. What are you sitting on right now?

- A monoblock.

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

- Yeah, my friends do.

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

- I do.

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

- My mom.

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

- No.

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

- UPBeat

30. Does anyone hate you?

- Hahahahaha I think a lot of people hate me

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

- My room? No.

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

- Haha no

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

- Ugh no

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

- 2007

35. Did you have a dream last night?

- Yes.

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

- I can't remember. :/

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

- God I sure hope not.

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

- Uh yeah

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

- Well, maybe the person I'm chatting with. Other than that person, I guess not..

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

- Hmm so so

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

- April 8. Yeah, I guess I was. In fact, it's the last day of me being in any relationship. Whew

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

- Yeah.

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

- Hahahaha yeah BIG FAT LIARS

44. What’s the best part about school?

- Seeing friends.

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

- Yeah

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

- Haha no not anymore

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

- Yes. One of my hobbies. Lol

48. Were you single over the last summer?

- No.

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

- No, not at all.

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

- Mm nothing.

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

- No.

52. Are you nice to everyone?

- That would be a miracle.

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

- Trust me, I never expected to like anyone I ever liked. It's scary sometimes.

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

- Yes.

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

- My exact feelings, yes. But someone else can always telling something's wrong with me.

56. Do you think you like someone?

- Mm yeah

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘T’?

- Do last names count?

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

- Usually boys

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

- Countless times

60. Do you hate anyone?

- No..

61. How’s your heart?

- Still numb

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

- Yes

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

- Hahahahaha yes

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

- Some people. But it's mutual so it's okay. Haha

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

- Yes!

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

- I don't regret the kisses I give. Well maybe except for one person.

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

- No. Why the fuck would I want my boyfriend (if I fucking had one) to cry?

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

- No thank god

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

- My dad

70. How do you look right now?

- Like how I usually do.

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

- Yes

72. Can you commit to one person?

- Hardly. It's a once in three years thing.

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

- Yes.

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

- Yes.

75. Did you wake up cranky?

- Cranky is an understatement

76. Are you a jealous person?

- Only if there's a good reason to be

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

- Sometimes

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

- Um

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

- No

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

- Get the skirt I had tailored.

81. Last person you cried in front of?

- Jacob, I think.

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

- I guess.

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

- Haha no.

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

- I don't wish to be with anyone right now.

85. Are you over your past?

- Not really

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

- HAHA yes

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

- There used to be, not so sure about that anymore

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

- I'd get the presents then slam the door at his face.

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

- Yeah, why not?

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

- Hahahahahahahaha numerous times

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

- I sure hope not.

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

- Nope

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

- No but I wish I have ;_; (Matthew Healy!!!!)

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

- Yeah but we were only in a relationship for like, 6 days. Lol. Then we started hanging out again after my birthday, which is also in January. It was okay, I guess.

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

- I was.

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

- Yes

97. Who do you have texts from?

- Some people from my org, roommates, Jacob, my parents, TM (lol)

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

- "So does she like you back?" :)

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

- Yes

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

- My ipod.

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

- No

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

- Yes

Labels: personal, survey

1. I'd rather not.
2. I drunk texted someone once.
3. I'm not straight. I just tend to be.
4. I miss him.
5. As of now? Awkward and GG.
6. "I miss youu"
7. An episode of Friends
8. I haven't attended any big concerts yet. Just the ones in malls and school events.
9. It's too early for that.
10. Shirt, shorts, underwear
11. A mother can't choose a favorite child.
12. We go to the same school.
13. Summer isn't done yet.
14. I honestly can't decide which one.
15. Three earrings. One stud. Two hearts.
16. Good grammar. (Sorry.) Good hygiene. Great hair. Intelligence. Sense of humor.
17. Oh god I don't know
18. "Dreams don't work unless you do."
19. Which best friend? Um, we used to date. For almost 3 years. We're still dating now but it's different. It's complicated.
20. Love has no boundaries.
21. Meh.
22. Refer to number 11.
23. Yes. 
24. It's a horrible thing to do. There's no excuse for it. But just because you cheat on someone doesn't necessarily mean you don't love them. It's more of a discipline issue.
25. You really wanna see a picture of my bloody hands?
26. On Tumblr? Twice of my weekly allowance.
27. Bella Luna, The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage, Un-Thinkable, Fix The World Up For You, Dreamgirls, Nobody's Fool, Wordplay, This Is How I Disappear, Hard To Love, Come Home
28. timetravellingspacemonkey
29. I once gave this guy 20 pesos so he could buy me chocolate (yeah those cheap ones) because I was feeling really sad. He came back and handed me back my 20 and gave me a chocolate bar with hazelnut filling (the not so cheap ones) which he hid behind him while handing me my money back. Yeah, he used his own money. It was cute.
30. I was 13 then. April 20th. No. Not talking about that.

Labels: personal, survey

1. White or red wine?
- Red

2. Who was the last person you hugged?
- Jacob

3. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?
- Yeah, happy crushes.

4. Where did your first kiss take place?
- Outside a library

5. Do you prefer foxes or wolves?
- Foxes

6. What is your shoesize?
- 9/10

7. Do you prefer fruit or vegetables?
- Fruit

8. Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?
- Yes

9. Would you rather never fall in love again or never orgasm again?
- WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU ASK SOMETHING LIKE THIS??? The former, I guess. Orgasms don't hurt you. They don't give you sleepless nights, either. IYKWIM.

10.What does your outfit consist of today?
- A shirt, a pair of shorts, underwear

11.What are your bust-waist-hip measurements?
- Haha no

12.Are you a hypocrite?
- Everyone is a hypocrite every now and then but I try my best not to become one.

13.Why did you last cry?
- I felt betrayed.

14.What are your favourite smells?
- Vanilla, strawberries, freshly cooked food

15.What are your favourite textures?
- Haha I don't know

16.Fur or feathers?
- Fur

17.Tartan or tweed?
- Tweed

18.Leopard print or neon?
- Neon

19.Any beauty tips?
- Sleep early. Use lipbalm, sunscreen, and conditioner every day.

20.(Send me a fuck marry kill)
- n/a

21.If you won a LOT of money the lottery and decided to move, where would you move to?
- A condo unit somewhere in Manila or Makati. Or LA. Or Paris. Or NY.

22.Alcoholic beverage of choice?
- Vodka

23.What is more attractive: Nice hands or nice feet?
- Nice hands

24.What’s the youngest you would consider dating?
- I was 11 when I first started dating so.. yeah

25.If you were around in the sixties would you be a mod or a rocker?
- Definitely a rocker.

26.Are thongs sexy?
- I don't know. They look very uncomfortable to me.

27.Did you grow up in a healthy environment?
- Yeah for maybe 2/3 of my life

28.What do you think of when I say “the twenties”?
- Feathers and weird hairdos

29.Could you ever deliver a baby?
- Honestly? No.

30.Is penetration important to you?
- Important in terms of what?

31.What did your last text read?
- "I miss youu"

32.Can you ride a bicycle?
- Yeah

33.What sport were you best at in high school?
- I didn't do sports in high school. I danced, though.

34.Who do you miss right now?
- A lot of people.

35.What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?
- Beer.

36.Paris, London and New York… which one would you live in, which would you visit for a day, which would you visit for a fortnight?
- New York, London, Paris

37.What is your sexuality?
- Almost but not quite bisexual.

38.Heavy rain or heatwave?
- Heavy rain

39.Chicken or fish?
- Chicken

40.Do you think suits are sexy?
- If it fits just right, yes.

Labels: personal, survey

Today, at around 3:50am, I decided that I wanted to make a song. Well, it's supposed to be a song. It doesn't have a melody yet. But it goes like this:

*
How long does it take to be alright?
(Cause you know I'm all alone tonight)
How long does it take for the sun to shine?
(If only I could call you mine)
How long does it take till I call you mine again?
(So please don't let this be the end)

Crumpled up letters fill my room
All over the floor
I wrote in gloom

Bloodshot eyes stare back at me
Oh darling if you could only see
How much you mean to me

And I know you said you aren't coming back
But I can't see this spark is burning out
No at least not yet
So maybe you can tell me

*

And I write these words with my shaky hands
Not sure if this is a poem
Cause I can't think of a melody yet
My life has been so empty since you left

Yeah I know that you probably won't care
But at this point I'm no longer scared
I'm used to this pain so it's okay
I've felt this way since the very first day

*

Again
Yeah I know I can't pretend
You're no longer mine
And I just wish that you'd be mine
Mine again

*

You know I'd still be true
(You know it's true)
And you know it's always been you
(You know it's you)
And you know I love you, too

Labels: lyrics, personal, poems, songs, thoughts

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

- Probably 16.

2. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

- There are a lot of reasons. Sometimes the things we don’t like to do are the things we need to do. Sometimes we’re expected to do things and that expectation drives us away from what we really want to do. There are a lot of factors why we don’t do the things we need to do. Some are costly, some are beyond our reach. Then of course there are some things we just can’t do anything about.

3. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

- To change the world, you have to start with yourself. That’s what I’m focusing on right now.

4. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

- It’s not like I wanna live up to 40.

5. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

- I am more worried about doing the right things. I fear that I’m wasting my time on so many things that aren’t even worthy of my time. I feel like I’m wasting energy. I feel like I’ve let so many things go to waste simply because I’m not doing the right things.

6. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Would you break the law to save a loved one?

- Don’t grow up. Yes, I would.

7. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

- The way I deal with life, I guess.

8. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

- I’d take him back if I could. He’s not ready. I don’t even know if he still wants to be with me. I’m not ready, either. I’ve gone through so much emotional trauma that I need to heal for awhile.

9. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

- Yes.

10. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

- I’d move to California. I don’t know. It’s sunny there.

11. Why are you, you?
- I just am. I don’t know either.

12. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

- The latter.

13. What are you most grateful for?

- The people who never give up on me and continue to care for me despite everything.

14. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

- The former.

15. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

- No.

16. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

- Yes, I do remember. A bit, I think.

17. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

- I don’t remember.. :/

18. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

- Yes.

19. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

- I don’t have a job yet but I probably wouldn’t.

20. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

- When you’re breathing, you’re alive. You’re only truly living when you allow things to take your breath away.

21. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

- Nothing. I don’t care about what others say about me.

22. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

- Half-half. I get to decide on a lot of things but some are them are just beyond my control. It sucks, really.

Source

Labels: personal, survey, thoughts

I realized that I haven't been reading much. Well, that's mostly due to the number of schoolwork I have to do. Let's just say I'm the type of person who'd rather finish a book in one seating. Isang bagsakan, kumbaga. But lately, I realized that I need distractions and books are the perfect tools for the job. I realized that I'm fascinated with stories all the time that I tend to forget mine. I look for stories all the time. They don't even have to be good. They just have to distract me temporarily from mine.

Labels: diary, personal, thoughts

"The best things in life are free."

Well, they're not. In fact, nothing is. To get what you want, you have to make sacrifices. In your own pursuit of happiness, there will be promises you'll have to break,  friends you'll have to lose, and risks you'll have to take. It seems so ideal that you can get the best things out of life without having to have a job, or without having to actually pay money. But life is a give and take, and sometimes the things you have to give in order to take what you want are worth more than any amount of money you could ever acquire. The best things in life aren't free, they just have a much higher price.

Labels: diary, personal, thoughts

Too much.

Labels: personal, thoughts

It's raining. I hope it stops because I still have to go to school later on and I hate travelling when it's raining. I can't believe it's just July and yet I feel so much pressure already. I still have two programs to do (one of them to be submitted tomorrow) and a bunch of other stuff for non-major subjects. Sometimes, I can't help but feel that I'm just too stupid for all this. People would probably get annoyed if I say this because there are other people from other schools who are really stupid blah blah. Yeah, but I'm not from another school. There are times when my brain just won't absorb or process anything, maybe even most of the time and it's so annoying. I don't know if it's because I'm not eating and sleeping right or if it's just how my brain works. I don't know. I feel tired all the time. I feel--
Oh, wait. I just realized why I'm like this. I need to visit someone soon.
The rain's pouring a little harder. I hope it stops before 8 or 9am. I really don't wanna leave if it's raining. Ugh, it sucks to be me.

Labels: college life, diary, personal, thoughts

Labels: diary, personal, thoughts

Labels: personal, thoughts

Labels: diary, personal, songs, thoughts, videos