Bonjour.
I'm Jesh. 18 years old. Currently taking up BS Computer Science at UP Manila. I love books and music. And food. I have a flair for the dramatic. I write poems and songs. Half-realist, half-hopeless romantic. Caffeine addict. Extroverted introvert. I'm weird like that.
Today, at around 3:50am, I decided that I wanted to make a song. Well, it's supposed to be a song. It doesn't have a melody yet. But it goes like this:
* How long does it take to be alright? (Cause you know I'm all alone tonight) How long does it take for the sun to shine? (If only I could call you mine) How long does it take till I call you mine again? (So please don't let this be the end) Crumpled up letters fill my room All over the floor I wrote in gloom Bloodshot eyes stare back at me Oh darling if you could only see How much you mean to me And I know you said you aren't coming back But I can't see this spark is burning out No at least not yet So maybe you can tell me * And I write these words with my shaky hands Not sure if this is a poem Cause I can't think of a melody yet My life has been so empty since you left
Yeah I know that you probably won't care But at this point I'm no longer scared I'm used to this pain so it's okay I've felt this way since the very first day * Again Yeah I know I can't pretend You're no longer mine And I just wish that you'd be mine Mine again * You know I'd still be true (You know it's true) And you know it's always been you (You know it's you) And you know I love you, too
You might be thinking that this entry is about me finding myself but no, it's not. It's actually a title of a song by Casting Crowns.
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth Would care to know my name Would care to feel my hurt Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star Would choose to light the way For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am But because of what You've done Not because of what I've done But because of who You're
I am a flower quickly fading Here today and gone tomorrow A wave tossed in the ocean A vapor in the wind Still You hear me when I'm calling Lord, You catch me when I'm falling And You've told me who I am I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin Would look on me with love and watch me rise again Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea Would call out through the rain And calm the storm in me
I am Yours Whom shall I fear Whom shall I fear 'Cause I am Yours I am Yours
The lyrics is moving if you know what I mean. Especially the first three lines. I've been having doubts about my faith lately. I've been questioning why I need to follow God. Why can't I just live my own life? Then I heard this song. I really don't know how to explain the feeling but somehow I felt enlightened. I realized that I had no right to be asking such questions. I should even be grateful. I'm merely a speck in His big universe and yet He knows every detail of my life. If I were a god, I probably wouldn't have cared. Which is why I'm not a god. But the God up there is. If there's anyone who has the right to complain, it's Him. He created me and blessed me in so many ways yet here I am doubting Him. I'm sorry, Jesus.
I was raised a Christian. All my life I've known the Christian ways of living. I know what verses to memorize, I've read the whole Bible, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Yet look at me now. It's as if I've forgotten all about this things.
I want to repent. I want to experience the same things I experienced when God and I still talked on a daily basis. I want to revive the days when I prayed not because I was in trouble, going to bed, or problematic, but because I simply wanted to talk to Him. I miss the feeling. I miss the joy I felt - the joy that only God can bring. I miss going to church every Sunday. I miss singing my lungs out and clapping until my hands are itching during worshiping session. I miss listening to the pastor preach. I miss the indescribable emotion that fills my body after every service.
Cast your burdens upon me, those who are heavenly laiden Come to me all of you who are tired of carrying heavy loads For the yoke I will give you is easy and my burden is light Come to me and I will give you rest
Another verse from another song. I will come to Him, and He will give me rest.
I've experienced it before and I'm about to experience it again. Amen.
Happy Sunday, everyone!
Ah, that song by Demi Lovato. It's been my theme song for as long as I've been in a relationship. LOL. :)
Well, it has. It's as if the lines were actually written for me. Especially this part:
"Hard as I try, I know I can't quit. Something about you is so addictive."
I guess it's because when you think you want to end a relationship, you don't really want to end it. It's just your selfish side speaking, or whatever side it is that's been too affected by your emotions. This has happened to me for like a million times already and it's always, always, always the same.
It has also occurred to me that each time I "end" a relationship, I always feel that guilt a few minutes later. It's as if I wish I hadn't ended it. It happens all the time. It's actually quite bothering, knowing that my emotions easily get the most of me.
Fortunately, we're not over yet! I really hate the idea of putting the word "yet" but it seems like the realistic thing to do. Nothing lasts forever, right? Don't get me wrong, I definitely DO.NOT.WANT. us to end. It's just that I don't want to expect it to last forever. I guess there's nothing wrong with believing. But really, I've been through sooooo much that it finally came to this point, this point in which I don't want to expect anymore.
Now I don't want to start whining or complaining about the past. It's done, right? So I'll guess I'll just end this here. And oh, I guess it wasn't goodbye. :)
I heard that you’re settled down. That you found a girl and you’re married now. I heard that your dreams came true. Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you.
Old friend, why are you so shy? It ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the lie.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it. I hoped you’d see my face & that you’d be reminded, That for me, it isn’t over.
Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too. Don’t forget me, I beg, I remember you said: “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead” Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.
You’d know how the time flies. Only yesterday was the time of our lives. We were born and raised in a summery haze. Bound by the surprise of our glory days.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it. I hoped you’d see my face & that you’d be reminded, That for me, it isn’t over yet.
Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too. Don’t forget me, I beg, I remember you said: “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”, yay.
Nothing compares, no worries or cares. Regret’s and mistakes they’re memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too. Don’t forget me, I beg, I remembered you said: “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”
Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too. Don’t forget me, I beg, I remembered you said: “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead” Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.
